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Imagine there's no Sin Fix Jun. 16th, 2006 @ 05:44 pm
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
and petition the use of Zed's Cock in Tossers!

Every time we see a little Sin Fix box covering Zed's cock, write in, complain. Derek needs more people to hate, and you're welcome to join this community of Zedcockfighters. We're like freedom fighters, but with purpose. Really though, generally you're not the ones who have to see it. You little fuckers! I will devour your pathetic souls!

-The Skeptic

PS, I'm freakin' posting now, so gimme some responses, foolish mortals!
Current Location: Your Mom
Current Music: Rob Zombie

Who's yer Bitchboy? Jun. 9th, 2006 @ 02:47 pm
The new Tossers strip is up. It feels good to be doing Tossers again. If the flow of the strip seems weird, blame Derek. Really. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the return. Kudos to Derek on the new way he's doing art. I think it looks a lot cooler. Also, my beard roxorz. I use it to scare small children. And I have a Vibrator for my PS2 now...it makes me happy. If anybody wants any weird-ass video game shit that I can bring back from Japan, let me know, and we'll talk prices. 'Cause there's a lot of weird-ass shit here. Also, if anybody has Mario Kart DS, they should give me their code, so I can kick their wussy asses. 'Cause I'm the man...but you're not the man. And neither is he.

Current Music: Tool - Aenima

Regarding the delay of the comic for June the 2nd Jun. 1st, 2006 @ 09:15 pm
The word of the day kiddies is "immolate." Do you all know what that means? It means to set someone on fire. The smell is awful, but oh the wonderful stress relief it can bring.

The comic will be up before Saturday morning. Do me a few favors to insure future comics are up on time:

1. Don't be fucking stupid.
2. Die young.

The Wisdom of Martinez May. 28th, 2006 @ 06:48 pm
There is nothing in life more ephemeral than a bookmark to any given porno gallery.

Two! May. 26th, 2006 @ 12:05 am
One, two! Two! Two updates, mwa-hahahaha!

[This post brought to you by the number 6]
Other entries
» *Blink blink*
Um, hi.

My name is Zed, Zed Martinez. Some of you might remember me from such fine efforts as Tossers: The Movie The Comic and the smash spring hit, "How I Ran Out of Time Being an Art Student and Didn't Update in the Middle of a Storyline For Forever and a Day, Thereby Doing a Great Impersonation of RPG World."

Then again, you might not.

But, if you do, and I really hope you do, then get this:

We're coming back. Soon. So soon you'll barely have time to wet yourselves in anticipation.

New comic, May 22nd. I plan to keep updates regular after that (regular being MF until the end of the Tossers/ChickenBones cross-over, and then MWF thereafter) but, please, don't lynch me if I screw up a little here and there. I haven't done this in months, am tired, am trying to find a job in design in the Louisville area, and my partner in crime is hanging out with a bunch of Japs halfway around the world. But, we'll do our best.

Oh. Right. Almost forgot. We hate you all. Die. Go fuck yourselves. Um, down with the proletariat!
» Holy Craploidatron
Anybody else notice a distinct lack of Tossers around here? Not that we're blaming Derek, coughcoughiblamederekcoughcough, but we really should be delivering something to our fanbase, namely, you, thefan. I'm here to speculatively announce that if we don't have a comic up by Friday, I'm going to start doing filler art. Yes, this actually is more of a threat for the Martinez than anything else. If you want to see what happened the last time I did filler art, check the extras section, where derek has conveniently hidden it all.

Also, Derek really hasn't had a lot of time lately, I'm sure, but still. I'd have gotten on his case about it, but I really haven't had time lately either. I have two months without classes now though. Call me a hypocrite. It's true.
» Excuses
So, you all probably want to know where Tossers has been, and why I'm not updating until late tomorrow. Here's the thing: the bulk of last week was spent helping my mother get out of a pretty bad place emotionally, after which I didn't have it left in me to do Tossers. So I drank rum instead. This weekend has been spent catching up in work I'm behind on. This is my last semester in college, so for a while my projects, my thesis, and yes, even my friends (as I won't be around them much longer after this semester) are going to take precedence over my spare time project. Sorry. If you need your regular fix of Martinez, drop me a line, I've got some prose works I can entertain you with. If you need Cor's entertainment, get ahold of him. Tossers will update still, and I'll try and keep it to the schedule. But, don't expect miracles of me.

Check late tomorrow, and then on Wednesday and Friday for Tossers. I feel bad, so I'll play catch up this once.
» The Book of Wazzocks (cont.)
There was no evil until one day when our Lord Bruce called Campbell got bored and created it in order to have something to do. This was immediately after his invention of the sandwich, a process which took aeons and left him feeling hollow after it was finished. The newly created evil gave Campbell much to do, but it also plagued the mortals. Bruce the Willis, in his infinite kindness and compassion, wept for the mortals. Once again sad blues harmonica drifted from the heavens above. Bruce the Other became withdrawn and sullen, angry at Our Lord Bruce for inflicting evil onto the world. Saddened by the loss of his friend, our Lord Bruce mounted an expedition into hell to negotiate terms with the devil as to how the mortals may be treated. This epic tale was recorded by Bruce's sage Sam Raimi, and became known in the mortal language as "Army of Darkness." As always, the mortal writer took great creative liberties and made usage of allegory and parable to make the story comprehensible to us lower peoples. The lopping of of the hand represents the bitter feeling of loss when Bruce called Willis severed ties with Our Lord Bruce. The fact that this appears in two movies was a translational mistake on Raimi's part, "Evil Dead 2" actually being the story of the creation of the sandwich, in which the loss of Willis is erroneously placed, only to be fixed in the next volume.

The forgetting of the three words is a complex allegory, but in its simplest terms it represents Our Lord Bruce's drastic breach of protocol when, while in hell's waiting room, he asked if they could turn the air conditioning up. The training of the combatants and the fight between the knights and the deadites reminds us all of Bruce's quest for excitement, and his creation of evil. When the chick turns on him and causes him to crash his cool car, that represents how Bruce's actions drove Bruce the Other away. Finally, though, the reunion of the two leaders at the end speaks of the foretold reunion of Our Lords Bruce, which, thanks to Bruce's efforts, did happen.
» The Book of Wazzocks (cont)
Then Our Lords Bruce spoke to us the true believers. They did so through numerous prophets, among which were Kurt Vonnegut the Junior, Jimmy Pop Ali, and the Trent Reznor. Their word was a mighty word, the merest echoes of which have been reported to have destroyed armies of Deadites and terrorists. But their destroyed bodies had tasted a sample of the beauty and joy of Our Lords Bruce, and desired to rise again and suck the beauty and joy out of us mortals who were inherently blessed by the testosterone embrace of Our Lords. And these were the first zombies. This was a plague which we mortals had deserved, as many of us had forgotten how Our Lord Bruce the Other had saved us from a toppled economy thanks to the mass-manufacturing of gold using Da Vinci's secrets, and they had forgotten how Our Lord Bruce had saved us from his own evil twin and his machinations. And these heathens, harlots, and unclean made for themselves false idols, and they were called "Vin Diesel," "Chuck Norris," and "Mr. T."

Our Lords Bruce were not pleased to see this and they wept as only the manliest of men can weep. The soft scent of lavendar filled the air as the sullen notes of a blues harmonica drifted down from the heavens. So grave were these insults that zombies alone could not punish us, and a new scourge was sent down. Only the survivors of this scourge would be deemed fit, but once again man did not listen to the prophets. When told of his own pending destruction he mistakenly thought it a pitch for a new show, and he called it "Survivor." But, Our Lords Bruce move in mysterious and awesome ways, and this was indeed the plague they had promised. Thousands succumbed to its contagious and replicating attrocities, and it seemed we were all doomed until the golden words of the prophet the Trent Reznor, who told us "I do not want this!" and showed us again the path to salvation.
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